Weapons Grade Plutonium and Bombay Biryani An indepth analysis of the Pakistani Nuclear Programme

Zulfiqar Haiderali

Since this was going to be my first article for Bandbaja, I tried hard to make a lasting impression – by firmly hitting my head on the keyboard, thereby damaging the ‘d' key and producing a sound that closely matched the drumming of a very disturbed young man from Lahore.

As requested, I have also tried to make it as socio-politically responsible as Prime Minister Aziz's sherwani.

So do pardon me if I misspell your fine brandname sans ‘d', dear editor, for the MMA just also read the name and shaved my head off. Thanks to an undercover Al-Qaeda techno-whiz who read all my documents!

But the insult to injury was provided by a disgraced nuclear scientist who warned me to shut up or be shut-upped or make money selling nuclear secrets, or both.

And surely enough, I came up with a topic of explosive implications.

You see, never in the history of our nation has such irresponsible proliferation been accomplished by a few rogue elements acting on their own and motivated by such unscrupulous personal gain. Indeed I'm referring to the dangerously rising numbers of private TV channels.

There was a time, I remember, when every evening, seven-days a week, 365-days a year and especially during Eid holidays, my entire 7-member family used to glue its eyes and ears to – you guessed it – the approaching kulfi-wala's cart. Well, if you guessed PTV, we did have a life then.

Coming back to the actual topic, which is the recent discovery of weapons-grade plutonium welded inside Karachi's rickshaw silencers, by a team of United Nations weapons inspectors.

According to my begging sources, the UN team conducted rigorous tests that revealed a sophisticated technique employed by silencer-welders of pathan-colony near Lasbella Chowk.

After their tests, these inspectors have reportedly called for a permanent UN mission based at Gurumandir to monitor this illegal, albeit profitable violation of Security Council resolutions.

As a result, the United States has already threatened a veto, not even knowing what the fuss is all about, as usual.

Meanwhile, a highly placed government source, climbing down from Murree to speak on the condition of anonymity, has disclosed that a recently visiting FBI team, which investigated alleged terrorism links between auto-rickshaw silencers and deaf traffic constables around Bandar Road, surprisingly found no Al-Qaeda connection between the two!! Does that ring any bell to the deaf?

This FBI report, shared in strictest confidence with yours truly, clearly links the rising decibel levels of rickshaws to homegrown ethnic extremism, and not to Bin Laden's international network of terror!! As if we'd believe that too, ha ha!

The UN inspectors, however, have a different view – this time not from pathan colony, but from the lush green Lahore Golf Course. They argue that certain jihadi elements within Karachi's auto-rickshaw community have had traditional ties with a very sophisticated international network of nuclear baddies.

Their research shows that Libyans, for example, have been using enriched Pakistani uranium to treat Colonel Gaddafi's ear-ache for decades – sourcing it directly from such top-secret locations as the PIDC paan houses – a known repository of such rare deposits.

Iranians too, it is believed, have been generous paymasters for underworld Pakistani contraband such as radioactive kinnos from Sahiwal and centrifuge lotas made in Gujranwala.

North Koreans, on the other hand, have reportedly been content with just an ample regular supply of fission reactors assembled in Sialkot and transported through the treacherous silk-route using Chinese built Qing-Chis.

China , expectedly, has reacted angrily.

But the most surprising new player in this international high-finance intrigue is Malaysia . Long hailed as the bastion of moderate Muslim sentiment and a model Islamic state living in perfect harmony with other faiths (source: Malaysian Ministry of Tourism and Malaysian Airlines).

By now, you must be wondering what on earth has Bombay Biryani got to do with this all? Hahaha, how naïve can our silent majority be?

Of course that's the topic of my next column.

URL to Pakistan Nuclear Programme page: http://www.zulfiqar.com/weapons-grade-plutonium-and-bombay-biryani.html