The Awards

Zulfiqar Haiderali

First appeared in Dawn

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of the Academy of Motion Sickness, Brod Smily welcomes you to the 102nd Annual Buss Kar* Awards. And now to announce the award for the Best Mediocre Performance, I invite my favourite, your favourite - Mr Fave Ritt!

Fave Ritt: Ha ha... my oh my, what a crowd, always been a crowd puller you know... ha ha. L & G (that’s ladies and gentlemen, clever, eh?) the nominees for the Best Mediocre Performance are: Simpson Delilah in The Last Pitfall, Arnie Schwarzkopff in For Whom the Belles Stroll and Rock Hardson in Chickenheart. And the sucker... oops (applause, laughter) the winner is... Pat Hardly in Yet Another Amazingly Long Name for an Incredibly Bore Movie! (big applause).

Pat Hardly: Thanks a lawt, Fave, I... uh... just cay’ant figyur it out (laughter). I juss wanna thank my dawg who I call Bawrky, without whom I woodna made it. Thanks people. Thanks!

Brod Smily: To present the Best Vulgar Display of Wealth Award, Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the one and only - Phil T. Ritch!

Phil T. Ritch: A gem of an audience I must say. Wouldn’t bet a million dollars to know how many poverty-stricken people are watching this live telecast around the world (laughter)...must be a billion. Any way, the nominees for the Best Vulgar Display of Wealth Award are: Blitz Tailor in Et Cetera, Cutie Diamonds in The Bald and the Beautiful and Justin Case in Overly Thrills 90210 - but the award goes to Patrick Snazzy in The Pity of Joy! (thunderous applause).

Patrick Snazzy: (yawn) I would like to thank my mother for her prayers, my girlfriend for her uncompromising support, my neighbours for their relentless patience, my plumber for his professional work, my car mechanic for his continuous lethargy and finally me for being Partrick Snazzy. (Applause and cheer).

Brod Smily: And now ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the President, Chief Executive, and Chief Patron of the Academy of Motion Sickness - Mr Doit All to present this year’s lifetime achievement award to a man who has never performed as lead in any picture, TV show, serial or even an advertisement. A man of many talents, many faces and many accents but no character - a man who needs no accolade - Ladies and gentlemen... Mr Edward Extra Who!!! (standing ovation for 15 minutes).

Edward Extra Who: Sniff... I really don’t know what to say - so I can’t say anything... good-bye! (Standing ovation, applause for 20 minutes).

Brod Smily: (clearing throat) Worraguy! By the way, Mr Doit All couldn’t make it to the show tonight. Anyway ladies and gentlemen, to present the last award this evening - the award for the Best Unintelligible Foreign Film, please welcome... Silver Stallion! (roaring applause, cheers).

Silver Stallion: The... duh... nominees for the Best Unintelligible Foreign Film are: Director Kldxy Blo... er ...vexbiliyium for the Swahili version of Gone With the Wind called Bilku. Mr Shihing Ching Xhi Hua for the epic Chinese drama Xhazamawa Quawan Minh Xhua which means “You”, and Mr Jean Pierre Quddoos for a French-Bangladeshi joint venture Je ne sais quoi, mon cherie. But as usual, the winner is none of the above because it is Mr Dimbu Binshu Ringoos for the Zulu version of Romeo and Juliet, known as Kraaaak! (applause).

Dimbi Binshu Ringoos: Xohinimiu Xxingu blastoo miero! Sclo bro neks Stallion dopw cuu (applause)...bhjipxoi snubie noer stip wquie...

*Buss Kar means “that’s enough” in Urdu.